Xanxus - Anger Management
by DarkIceAngelFlare
Summary: Ria was sick of her husband's violent habits. There were only so many empty bottles aiming for her head that she could take before filing for a divorce. Deciding to try and work things out first, she signs him up for anger management classes. It was a reasonable enough request - but her husband was Xanxus and nothing is ever that easy. Xanxus x OC, swearing (request on Quizilla)


"So, Xanxus, is it?" asked the therapist, fiddling with his clipboard nervously.

"That should be obvious, trash," spat out the Varia leader, glaring at the man.

"Ah, so it is!" he chuckled nervously, frightened by the brutality of those red irises. "Um, I'm Billy by the way."

"A fitting name for trash."

"A-A-Anyway, could you t-tell me why you're h-here?" Billy stuttered out as he attempted (and failed) to regain his composure.

"Are you a fucking retard? The sign on your door and the bloody cheque I had to sign to you says it all, trash! Or can you not read the words 'Anger Management'?" Xanxus was obviously not in a good mood today.

"Y-Yes, I know, but why did you c-c-?" the man shrivelled beneath the sneer directed at him and let the words on his lips die. Xanxus got what he meant anyway.

Why did he sign up for these stupid therapy sessions that wasted good drink time and hard-earned cash? Simple – he had a moron for a wife.

* * *

"Baby, your anger is getting out of hand. If you keep throwing bottles at me, I'm going to leave you!"

"Try it, trash. I'll hunt you down no matter where you go," he flung his glass at her feet to make a point. That's the closest he'll ever get to admitting he loved Ria.

He expected her to glare and throw a tantrum but instead she pouted. "Fine, I won't leave. But if you don't sort yourself out, you can forget about having sex!"

That caught his attention. His eyes narrowed dangerously and he stalked towards Ria. She didn't tremble at his presence at all, which pissed him off. He grabbed her chin, forcing her on her tiptoes to look him directly in the eye. "You think you can stop me if I wanted to take you?"

"Do you think you can bring yourself to rape me?" she retorted.

"It's not rape if you like it."

"It is if I'm unwilling and crying."

He tightened his grip on her but Ria's gaze didn't waver. Why did he marry someone with a backbone? Oh yeah, it was because he liked her backbone (and she was crazy in bed). He released her and told her to get out, ignoring her whines about him being a terrible husband.

Just after she left, Squalo walked in.

"I didn't call you," Xanxus snapped.

"Yeah, but you were going to," his second-in-command and the closest thing to a best friend responded, flipping through a folder in his hand. "You know, you might never lose her but there are worse things in life than getting divorced. Like dealing with an unhappy marriage."

"The bitch knew what she was getting into when she accepted the ring."

"Calling her names will only make her angrier and doesn't solve the problem, voi!" Squalo rolled his eyes at his leader's childish antics.

"So what do you think I should do, trash?" Xanxus growled, ire rising.

"Just pretend to go along with what she wants. If you look like you trying, then she'll be happy. It's obvious, voi!" he tossed the folder to his boss. "There's the file that you have to give to your therapist."

"Therapist?" Xanxus itched to pull out his gun. "Who the fuck said anything about going to a fucking shrink?"

"Voi, it's the best way to pretend! And don't destroy those papers, Lusseria and I spent two nights making up shit for it!"

* * *

That was what happened, in a nutshell. Ria had been ecstatic when she heard the news, so Xanxus decided not to punish Squalo.

Until now. Why did the bloody shark tell him that this "Billy" character was an annoying piece of shit?

"Look, Mr Xanxus," Billy decided the best thing to do was look down at his papers, "I've read through your file and it seems like you really need this. So, let's try to get along, o-okay?" Good, he had only stuttered once.

"Trash, I can kill you where you sit and not even blink one fucking eye. Try and get along with me and die."

Billy spent the remainder of the hour writing his will.

* * *

"Woman, I'm home," Xanxus stomped through the doorway of his house. His eyes narrowed when he didn't hear the usual "Welcome back!" from his cheery wife. He stormed to the kitchen and found Ria practising her knife-throwing skills on the back door. "Woman, did you not hear me?"

"I can hear you fine, Xanxus," she replied, using more force than was necessary to bury the blade in the dark wood.

"Stupid woman," he growled, bending down to kiss her on the lips. Ria skilfully avoided his touch, standing up to remove the 28 pieces of steel from the door. "What the fuck, Ria? I go to your idiotic therapy sessions and waste my fucking time and you still want to be mad?!"

She glared at her husband. "It doesn't count if you spend the entire time threatening him and not doing anything constructive!"

"How the hell do you know that?"

"I gave Billy a call."

"Why, you don't trust me?"

"No and with good reason! If you're just going to brush off my feelings and take this whole thing as a joke, than fine! Spend your night alone!" Ria slammed the door shut as she left the house.

Xanxus let her go in order to press a button on the phone.

"VOI—!"

"Get your ass here now, trash!" he snapped angrily. "Oh, and bring some damn food."

Marriage was the most annoying mistake he had ever made.

* * *

"Welcome back, Xanxus," Billy's grin stretched from ear to ear in glee.

"Who the hell told you that you could call me by name, trash?"

"Why, your wife, of course! Ria is such a charming lady and she gave me all kinds of advice to make our sessions easier. Oh, and she even told me to increase our time together to two hours. Isn't that great?"

'You really have a mean streak, woman,' thought Xanxus but bit back any retorts. All he had to do was keep calm, pretend to be good and wait for Ria to come back home when she heard the good news. Then he'd tie her up, stick her in the bedroom and put a bullet through Billy's moronic head. Then he'd make her beg for forgiveness and he'll permanently put any thoughts of trying to control him out of Ria's sadistic brain. "Just start already, trash!"

"So, going back to our previous session, what made you decide to come for anger management classes?"

"I'm pretty sure you've figured this out by now, trash. My witch of a wife insisted on it."

"And how does that make me feel?"

"That it is none of your fucking business, trash."

"But getting to the core of your anger is my business, and obviously your wife must have something to do with it."

"…"

"Fine, let's try a different tactic," Billy shifted through the papers in his hand. "I was reading through your file and I must say, it's very interesting. Did you put it together yourself?"

"No, one of my fucking subordinates did it."

"Ah, yes, you have quite the interesting business! I never would have thought that you were a circus manager! And not just one, but five!"

...

What the fuck?

"It must be quite stressful though. Especially since your wife doesn't contribute a cent towards her lavish lifestyle. Tell me, do you ever feel like she isn't sympathetic enough? I mean, you became a gigolo to earn extra money for her!"

He was going to annihilate Squalo.

* * *

"Well, I couldn't exactly say you were a mafia boss, VOI!" yelled Squalo, dodging fiery bullets as his leader stormed after him. "How is it my fault that you ended up kicking his ass?"

"Gigolo? Circus manager? That's the best substitute you had?!"

The smell of singed silver hair, the sight of charred walls and the sound of guns and screams would become commonplace in the Varia household for weeks to come.

* * *

"So your childhood wasn't very happy then," Billy nodded sagely, making note of it. "How's your relationship with your parents?"

Xanxus needed a drink.

"Hmm, you apparently were meant to take over your father's industry – button making, it says? – but you were passed over for a distant relative. How does that make you feel?"

He needed a gun.

"Oh, you were adopted! Sorry, I didn't see that! What happened when you found out? Were you upset?"

He could always kill with his bare hands.

* * *

"Okay, since we haven't been so successful with talking, I'm going to try and figure out your state of mind. So, I'm going to show you a series of abstract pictures. You tell me what each one reminds you of, okay?"

Billy held up the first.

"Trash."

He switched to the next one.

"Trash."

And the next.

"Trash."

And the next.

"Girls – no wait, trash."

"Are you taking this seriously?"

"Are you being serious about this shit actually being useful?"

"Let's try this one. If you say trash again, I'm going to have to tell your wife you're not responding to my treatment."

"Fine. I see a gun. Shooting you. You're being brutally murdered with a gun. It looks like I'm holding it."

"Let's try something else."

"Good choice, trash."

* * *

Xanxus sighed as he sat down on the couch he had come to dread. Who knew he'd ever hate a piece of leather furniture? He'd been on this therapy shit for over a month and he still hadn't heard from Ria. He'd even sent Bel and Fran to hunt her down but they nearly ended up in body bags. Sometimes, her strength was a bloody annoyance.

"Good afternoon, Xanxus," Billy walked in as his patient took a drink from a glass of water. "We have a guest here today! Isn't that exciting?"

What am I, four?

The Varia boss glanced at the door and nearly choked. What the hell was Ria doing here?

"Hey, baby," she smiled wickedly as she took a seat opposite him. "I came to see how you were doing."

Xanxus had forgotten how gorgeous Ria could look when she tried. He never thought it was possible, but he missed the sight of her long legs and pert breasts (no, he didn't miss her. Never fucking ever). He did, however, have the urge to touch her skin and see if it was as soft as he recalled.

"Shall we start? Just pretend that Ria isn't even there!"

How could he do that? He hadn't seen her in weeks and she was wearing that perfume that she knew made him like a dog in heat. Why the hell was she torturing him?!

"Today, we're going to talk a bit, do some word associations and maybe even have a couple's therapy."

"I assure you, that's highly unnecessary, Billy," Ria smirked, running her hands carelessly across her chest.

Fuck, but her dress was tight – and short. This was going to be one long session.

* * *

She could barely keep a straight face as Billy led Xanxus through what was undoubtedly an excruciating conversation on his work as a 'gigolo' and "how it made him feel". Ria was going to have to buy Lusseria and Squalo some huge gifts when she got back – this was sheer brilliance!

All the while, Xanxus couldn't keep his eyes off of her. Shame, perhaps she shouldn't be teasing him like this. It's been a month since he'd had sex, poor thing. Yet the sadist in her laughed gleefully at his torture, unworried that she'd be paying for it later.

"Okay, that took longer than expected," Billy sighed. "Shall we begin with the word association? Please do it right this time, Xanxus. I'm going to say something and you tell me the first thing that comes to mind."

The Mafioso grunted in response.

"Death?"

"Been there."

"Family?"

"Vongola."

"Fish?"

"Squalo."

"Your subordinate? Hmm, interesting. What about alcohol?"

"Drink it."

"Blood?"

"Normal."

"Anger?"

"Normal."

"Murder?"

"Easy."

"Haha, take this seriously, Xanxus. What about, children?"

"Someday."

You were surprised at that.

"Women?"

"Idiots."

"Wife?"

"Sex."

Gee thanks, she thought sarcastically.

"Happiness?"

"…Ria."

What?

"Best thing?"

"…Ria."

Was he joking?

"Life?"

"Ria."

"Reason?"

"Ria."

"Love?"

"Ria."

"I think that's enough for today, don't you?" Billy smiled at his patient and wife. Ria was looking at her fingertips rather than her husband. "Do you have anything to say, Ria? This is one of our most productive sessions!"

"I've gotta go," she said, wanting to put as much distance between she and that room as possible.

* * *

Xanxus sighed as he entered his empty house. Honestly, this anger management thing was more trouble than it was worth. Not to mention, Ria's random appearance there had made him horny but he couldn't get release because she would kill him if he tried his luck with a prostitute.

He had too much pride for the other method.

At least Squalo had the decency to send over some good food – really, Ria needed to get over herself and come back home. He wanted home-cooked meals again! She was stubborn to the core, though, so who knows when she'd ever show up again.

He needed a shower to clear his head (and kill his desire). He kicked open the door to his bedroom but stood still, shocked.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

"This is my home too, you know," Ria responded, smirking at him.

"You haven't been acting like it," he leaned against the wall, trying to access the situation. One wrong move and he'd be stuck in therapy for another month before he got a chance like this. "What changed? And why are you dressed like that?"

"Dressed like what?" she asked innocently, looking down at her red lingerie as if nothing was amiss (namely clothes). "This is our bedroom; I can dress as I please."

Was she trying to get him to jump her? If so… it was working.

"Anyway, I've been keeping tabs on you, you know," she patted the bed beside her but Xanxus didn't move. Figures. "I wanted to see whether you were actually learning to control your anger. Might I say? You utterly fail!"

He growled but Ria cut across his snarled denials. "You've become more destructive than ever; you return from your therapy in such a foul mood that you attack everyone in sight; you've sent more than fifty of your subordinates to the hospital in the past two weeks alone! In other words, visiting Billy was an absolute waste."

"At least I tried," he spat acidly. "I could have just told you to go fuck yourself."

"We both know you would never," she responded coolly. "But you have made an improvement in one aspect."

Xanxus raised his eyebrow. Where?

"You've finally starting to acknowledge your feelings for me!" she gave him her warmest, sweetest smile. "Today you gave me more than in our entire year of marriage, let alone the preceding time we spent dating."

"So, you're done acting like a bitch?" he asked, but inside he was happy.

"Well, I did cancel your therapy," she batted her eyelashes at him before kicking open the box at her feet so that her spouse could clearly see its contents. Whips, chains, handcuffs, cream – Xanxus's eyes widened as he caught Ria's meaning.

"Well, shall we start with my punishment?" she glanced at him seductively, biting her bottom lip. "After all, I've been such a bad wife."

…Maybe anger management hadn't been such a bad idea after all.


End file.
